27December

Have spent some time in the morning clearing the driveway, all that snow! I feel very cared. Then Ernest spent some time screaming till he eventually fell asleep. Next – and here comes the confession – which than breaks up my planned list of annoying things to moan about, hm, got stuck here and there is no spinning that takes me back on track. SO short is that someone I never met, over the internet has decided that th ebest way of entertaining myself would be to join an imaginary nazi organisation. After this I was leaving to take my mum to a party with her friends when Lili decided to throw quite a show to us and behave in a manner that we shocked when seeing in ernest. To further my discomfort – and others’ – I responded to her ont he same level. I popped in to say hello to my mum’s friends only to be greeted with some conversation about my father (they are divorced, my dad is meanly sorrow about it and today is my mum’s birthday). I felt uncomfortable and left quick as I could to drive around finding a windscrean wiper. In the car I couldnt find a decent radiostation while an imaginary house dragon, Tobi kept hitting me with a bag, for fun.

I was hungry.
The day turned around. We resumed normality and en joyed a dinner wihtout cats. Now they are all afraid of Ernest the brave who apparenltly wqhile I was out played with Lili and one of the cats a game of dare. he came away with some scratches. I hope the cat wasnt scarred for life.

Playing with clay was fun too. we managed not to get too much clay ont he leather dining chairs. Jen made me admit I have no patience to fidget with stuff that requires precision and patience. Lili didnt seem to have much either.
So you must be wondering about the nazi invitations. first of all, we must be clear about one thing, most people usually are not aware of the views that they are advocate. An example for instance is the green left, a bunch of neomarxist here in hungary who are desperately organising people to donate to charity. Charity (and I dont mean to be cynical or negative or argh we are all doomed type but charity) is a capitalist instituion, one that maintains some social cohesion int he sytem so that starving and desparied masses will not behead the ruling class.

I play an online game, a hobby that has been growing on me for about a year and a half. Ususally i find one I like than I bore of it for the game is stiff, there is no room to have fun only to be mean and win or be diplomatic and loose. I found one a couple of months ago that seem quite spacous and free leaving people to organise themselves in whatever ways suits them. for the second time I run into people who seem to organise themselves in ways which excludes difference, territorial, uniformised, violent and brutal. This time I asked a guy a question why bother playing a game if all they do is recreating the very reality they escaping from? his answer was that actually if I stepped into line, followed orders and did what I was told I maybe could have some fun and it would be the way of building a better world. Very welcoming. I’m left a bit speachless.

But ont he bright side: we are going on a road trip in a couple of days.

26 December

I feel I perhaps should be kicking myself for failing this journal with appropriately regular entries. A bad habbit offailing to build good ones but than what is the point in punishing one’s self during the festivities they are so obsessed about – without wanting to be racist or offensive I am refgering to the lot we generally claim responsible for the current civilizational state of the world.

So these series of festive days int he passing now and I think the highlight was builiding a fire to keep some light going the longest night a couple of days before the decorate the tree, stress int he kitchen, open presents and eat yourself sick days. We got pretty drunk that night altough failed with the dancing around the fire naked… maybe staying with my mum and the minus temperatures stopped us. so perhaps we weren’t all that drunk.
As for the so called regularly accepted and not labeled as ’pagan’ festive days I can only say it was pleasent and relaxed which came to me as a surprise in a family where some members are not willing to talk to each other or spend time in each others’ vicinity and the term ’extended family’ takes on new meanings. But this perhaps isnt for a public blog.

The bears are learning Jedi, Ernest rocks on his rocking raindeer, Lili plays with kitchen and microscope, Jen sows and I, I hm, I… actually I don’t know.

I just realised today that one can be defreanded on facebook for being extremely critical and showing a developing of one’s perspective… being a neomarxist for instance. It’s comic somehow for some time ago I have defriended someone who advocated fascist views and at some point passed around some good hearted racist comments too. I wonder if he thinks he was presenting healthy character development and I was punishing him for that. Anyways, when it is a friend’s parnter who defreands you which friend you have a withering away relationship, wondreing how to rekindle it while this partner he wishes to settle down to have kids and all you wonder to let go.

I got pretty tired this last week. I have been missing my routine, going for walks, or just doing nothing. When you are in a house that is not prepared for small kids it is tiring to just stay in and do nothing. the busiest possible option.

There might be some who read this and I haven’t told you anything in a while. That doesn’t mean I don’t mean to I simply am just shit at conversing over the net. apologies. Drop a line at least for a while I will feel somewhat obliged to write back